the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
