his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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