happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
