M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
