Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
