remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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