Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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