Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
