every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
40s are totally the cure
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
