So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
