...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
