All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
