I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
