these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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