He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
