you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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