so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
