She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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