...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
