I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
