I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
