I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
