So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
