Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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