so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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