I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
