i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
