I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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