normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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