you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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