I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
