New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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