dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
