$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
