hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
