sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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