Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
