This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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