I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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