she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
