I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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