it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
