i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
