Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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