He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
