Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
