Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
