based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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