I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
