you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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