finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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